live before you die

living in the past is gone
starting fresh from nothing
leaving beyond all my distractions
unecessary to help me move on
all the patience i need is right here
all the suffering ive done is ending
all this pain swept away from me
hour by hour day by day
more time little to waste
putting my heart and mind in one
rejunvination of myself
come and join me in this place
we have begun together
together is all i had
living is all i can do
its not my choice not my place
all i have is time
all i have is time
all i have is time.

i stand here baring it all to you

open my eyes wide enough
i want you to see
what really goes through me
let you touch all thats happened to me
so i can so i can so i can
let you in
so u can so u can so u can
understand my actions
and why i fall off the deepend sometimes
understand understand understand
what ive become why ive become
and who ive become
touching my heart with such grace
touching my mind with passion
when its reached ill be able to let it go
compassion has arrived
kiss it away
holding me tight
kiss it away
telling me it wil all be alright.

do you hear me when i scream you name

met my match today
never thought id say
how much you mean to me
even if you dont feel the same
perfectly insync with eachother
simple unity that brings us together
only distance keeps us apart
deepest thoughts under control
outbursts have come far in between
this insanitity is just love
driving me to lose me mind
at sometimes but you know
you help with that
regardless if you would like to admit
inexperience may contribute
pain is on the rise
try to keep it away
i know you see it
just hiding it again
may tear me apart
but i just keep coming back
after your justification
not the communication
getting through this
day by day
thinking you can just kiss it away
just suspending the time
that it all lays on my mind.

letting go must be hard but fighting for me is even harder

i dont want you anymore
i dont need you anymore
i dont depend on you anymore
i still dont hate you
just very passed you
this connection is way past gone
this feeling is way past done
reconfigure my life without you
reconsider my options without you
im just better off without you
walking right through you
without you even knowing
thats how far you have become
go ahead tell me
ive given up again
go ahead tell me
ive screwed up again
go ahead tell me
im not regretting this
decision ive made
all on my own
i will not become what
you think i will.
i dont want you anymore
i dont need you anymore
i dont depend on you anymore
i better without you once and for all.

nobody knows my fate

i begged i pleaded
i asked you to end it
i may be wrong
simple ritual of waking up
nothing i needed much anymore
haunting memories of how ive become
this person i am
misunderstanding my actions over
and over again
this open line of communication
is now closed
taping my mouth
tie my hands behind my back
i surrender myself to this place
take me for what you want
keeping my dignity through it
slaying my thoughts and decisions
bleeding through and through
more alive than dead
remember all that was said
survived miraculously
mistaken unknowingly.

no longer bound to this unsatisfaction

comparison to you is driving me insane
bring forth the competition
throwing me up against the wall
no choice to make now
no reason to look past it now
beneath this explanation
the question unbearable to us all
breaking my silence tonight
i will not be forced to conform
to this i cannot accept
the unforgiven will not be forgotten
just put behind presently
confronting us one more time
we always said we wouldnt end like this
falling falling falling to the bottom
tell me its not too late
bleeding a new color from my cuts
all my scars are opening up.

bewildered and fixiated on whats not here

im taking it all away today
pain suffering guilt
beyond this place
not needing to feel this way
ive covered enough to know
this is not where i want to be
making sacrifices necessary
saying my goodbyes for
their own good
cries from the past are no
longer a part of me
cries of the present and future
will no longer effect me
they will understand when
im gone
they wont worry anymore
packing my bags to head north
im coming home
be ready for me
may be sooner than expected
no more begging and bargaining
with the demons that run through me
im coming home
can you see me
smiles and the glow in my eyes
wont subside when im with you
im coming home
while the door is open for me.

rise up and fall faster

ive been lost for quite some time
i have been battling the demons
in my head
but they are winning again
shhh dont talk aloud
i cant take this anymore
my eyes have been sewn
bound and gagged to my bed
i cant fight this anymore
ill just give into you
this was not the plan
but my time is up
im fading too fast
i cant even speak anymore
they say its not too late
but i strongly disagree
im thinking out right now
just ending it all
im so lost
cant find my way out
lost the path i was
headed for long ago
and im just not getting
back on track.

there is no cure for me but to run

listen up listen up
this is my last desperate call
clear your ears silence your voice
im certain you are all the victims here
im the virus thats infected you all
im the disease that theres no cure for
i have lost my step along the way
i have lost my mind throughout this place
with this lump in my throat
and the trembling of my hands
the walls are shaking
the floors are cracked
the roofs caving in on me
i beg you one more time
save yourself
and leave me behind
i ask you for the last time
save yourself leave me behing
there really is no time
i am the one whos gonna die
i am the one who deserves to lie
here in the bed ive made for myself
this is my home now
this hole is my eternity
believe me when i say im sorry
trust me when i say i didnt mean to
it was all so unintentional
it was all such a mistake from the beginning.

perfectly murdered what was real

nothing is right anymore
i hate that i question everything
i just want to trust and believe in you
make it all right again
all i want is to love you
live everyday for you
the silence kills me
for when im angry or hurt
i cant seem to calm my nerves
this cant be real
but its all so real
write it out
write it down
read it outloud
make it all more difficult
write it out
writhe it down
read it outloud
i cant seem to keep silent
everythings wrong
i sit here self inflicted
self saturated in my own hurt
i dont want to go on like this
this is not how i wanted it to be
this cant be how i want us to be
nothing left i just left it alone
nothing left
but i will definitly find you again
for i am not giving up
no matter how i self destruct
im not breaking us down
your everything
thats anything to me.

i am complete deception but could you save me now

i was lying when i said
i was giving my all to you
i was lying when i said that i
would put myself aside for you
i lied over and over again
and only to you
as i lie here going back in thoughts
as i lie here realizing what i have done
i have done nothing for you
i have followed none of your words
yet i expect you to listen
i expect you to be there for me
how could i be so wrong
how could i be so naive
using myself for anything but the lord
using all my mind and body for the worst
i was lying when i said i was leaning
on your guidance
all i did was disappoint you
all i did was disrespect you
but you are still by my side
please forgive me
please take me in
oh god i need you so
letting the good come through
making sense of this mess i have
created that i call my own life.
i need your forgiveness.
i need your guidance.

i have dug my hole for me to lie in, now i can go home

im freaking out
im freaking out
im afraid i just messed it
all up again
everything i touch
im meant to destroy
how can i keep acting this way
ive lead us to the deep end again
im no leader to be followed
im just a mess that hasnt been taken yet
im just a timebomb waiting to blow
i think i might not make another day
im such a mess
i make everyone deathly sick around me
im the one whos always wrong
im the one causing these diseases and viruses
im such a mess
how can i still be alive?
how can i still be alive?
i dont deserve to be here
i do nothing at all
please take me.

i can see you on the other side

dont you get tired of being weak
dont you get sick of being sad
just a little more me
and a whole lot less of you
just a little more me
and a whole lot less of you
think im to blame
think im the hurt
maybe you need to look in the mirror
just like i had to
just a little more me
and a whole lot less of you
i am so sick and tired of bein
treated this way
is so unfair
that i just look up to the skies
to see a brighter future
without you in my life
can you see all the ways
that conflict.

take this moment suspend it in time
felt the pressure again
dont want it at all
done with this circumstance

i hold so close
as i let it all go
the waters flooding me fast
cant seem to keep myself afloat
im going under as fast
as i can blink
i can try to swim if you
lend a hand to grab me
i can feel myself sinking again.

leaving you all behing for the last time and im not looking back

ill take this on my own
no need for your help anymore
u just think your so perfect
you caused most of this
inadequacy with us
responsibility would be nice
cant seem to handle it
cant seem to move on
ill take this on my own
fixing my problems
since i seem to be the problem
me myself and i
will do this quietly
under my own conditions
ill take this on my own
giving me new insight.

red flash black flash white flash nothing

i just want some compacency here today
a contented smile that wont go away
blissful happiness that wont fade
dreams and ambitions that dont fail
eternal self satisfaction within
no more brokenhearted me
expecting you to leave me any moment
erasing the past suspending my anguish
looking for the good in myself
chasing the positive aspects
that are buried too deep
all these clandestines of mine
are unnecessary
yet i cant seem to break away
shake me down
turn me out
im not scared of anything at all
break me town
turn my life inside out
i need to know
red black white
all this visions are tiring
flash of lights
run your life by my eyes
ill be more than just a body
upon us
just another illustration
in your sight.

you say we are too far gone well i disagree

just drifting along with the world
nobody knows why we are here
doing what they expect of
rather its right or wrong
how the hell did i get stuck here
pretending to be the normal
how the hell do i get myself out of here
not following along
i no longer will be tied to your involuntary motions
im so motionless and paralyzed
in death i will be saved
in life i am trapped
doing this over and over again
this desolate place wasnt what i wanted
yet i find myself again
dictating just what i hate
get me out of here
get me out of here
i dont want to be paranoid anymore
constantly looking over my shoulders
thats not living thats just dying inside
ill find my way out
with or with out anyone
ill find myself without help
i will find hope and belief here
i will walk until im complete.

we just living past each other

words are not loud enough
for these actions that you put on me
actions are louder than words
you speak gracefully
yet you act alone more often than not
if i could survive on your words
id live forever and in peace
but if i live on your actions
i feel like im past dead to you
buried beneath it all
someone needs to take this all
make it right and forget the wrong
forgive me if you think im narcissist
im only looking out for me
just like you only look out for you

unburying it all but not paying close attention

somethings definitly missing
there is a lack of
the floor fits me well
so i think ill stay here
maybe not forever
upon the restitution of me
came this sudden resentment
uncontrollable feelings of distress
unwanted person i have become
searching for what makes me
feel alive so alive
hanging on to whats lost
just to have a sense of security
this notion of forgiving
has wandered away
laying here dead to all
fighting for my life alone
slipping through the cracks on last time
i will not be forsaken
i will not be forgotten
as i lay here selfless in thought
experating all my surrounding
this floor is more fitting for me now
the misunderstood wrongfully accused
circumstances wont pick me up
only the merciful will arise
as i sit here and contemplate
dont feel so intimidated by me.

this all looks so familiar

these neverending accusations
of me not having it all together
is going to end
ill show you stability
if you show me a friend
getting your just deserved
thinking multiple times
on if you win
somewhere and somehow
we got put on enemy lines
unknowly working together
to bring self satisfaction
has failed again
this misleading hatred
for all things
has confused you so
let me bring you back to my side
fighting until the end
time is on my side.

we are endangered but not extinct

ive been obilerated again
your behavior has been
very intrusive
attention on the things
that dont seem to matter
surely you are not
totally oblivious
to this thing we call love
this life we call amazing
three seperate lives that
dont merge together
thoughts have turned repugnant
less tasks less victory
i dont act very receptive to much
im most prominent in your presence
your characteristics dont include this
third life is lacking the energy needed
to feel alive
in hopes of seeing it before my heart
is sewn closed
ripping my eyes out to combine them
with yours
take my shoes off for you to walk in them
for a while
this deception has elaborated in
constant sadness
creating a lack of existence.

finding a new light

i put my pants on

and take a walk outside

get some fresh air

to clear my mind

its a new day

severity of whats gone is dead

fixiated and focused on whats ahead

releasing my grip

and dropping to the floor

making up for all the suffering

i have caused

making up for all the hearache

you have caused

we put our pants on the same

yet you stay vain

ive envied enough and its stopped

only need and want within the

reach of me

setting my sights for the better

walked in your shoes for sometime

finding my own was exhilirating

putting one on at a time.

talking to the walls dont change a thing

tell me can you see it
ive fallen through the cracks again
can you feel it i know longer
am committed to you
can you hear it
my whispers in your ear have stopped
can you taste it
im further an further away from you
in just a matter time ill be gone for a while
so gone to everything and everyone
your holding on to the wrong
reasons to call this your own
ive split in half reaching out for you
you never seemed to be there
i begged for you to lend a hand
only on your terms would you grab it
you let me fall alone
its ok its all ok
we are going to be alright
ive walked alone through
these deserted streets
for way too long
fear that they will abandon me
break me all over again
make me put it all back together
here alone so alone
can you believe it
ive made it again
can you know it
im healthy and alive
would you sit here
and listen to me
did you listen
when i said i was leaving.

i know theres hope for me somewhere ill find it soon

ive been sitting here
trying to find myself
analysing my life
seem to always be one
step behind in line
i keep moving on
as if i got my head together
i keep moving on
and i still dont know why
i pray and try to understand
this time that have on this earth
yet im a little confused and lost
so many desperate circumstances
surrounding my sanity
i keep moving on
i cant tell you why
oh i try oh i try
try try try
i try to not be the same
as my last life
i break it down break it down
even until death pulls me apart
and ill be moving on
and i know why.

motionless in a corner

in this place i am nothing but a body

stuck in all these circumstances

that devastate me

eventually making me stronger

time it takes for me to get on over

been fooled yet again

just another bump in my way

of getting the hell off this earth

ive attempted the easy way out

you kept me here

begging for your mercy

denying it again
im left with this apathy
released again
so dumb and numb/

it is so much easier for me to hate than to love

i hate the way you look at me
i hate the way you dont even know me
despise the ground you walk on
completely disguisted by your smell
came to the conclusion that i want you
out my life
im telling you but you sure are
not walking
faking all i promised
in hopes of it working out
these false pretenses that i mean to you
are all in your head
if you cant let go
ill just push you off
making sure that you dont come back
to fight for me
theres nothing left for you here
you have done quite enough for now
just take what is left and move it along now.

im battling myself and you and the other person is winning

cant tell you if im coming or going
wont say how long ill stay
all i want is what i cant have
same old story different day
these problems of ours are
just not going away
i have tried so hard to be perfect
its just not happening
understanding that this isnt easy
but you dont help very much anyway
you see no wrong here
i see no right here
constantly defending myself
in every way
against you
against the world
i cant be your enemy anymore
i only want to be on your side
does the future hold this?
only you can tell me
somehow you cant hear me
i keep yelling and screaming
pulling the wool over my eyes
one more time.
do you see me from the back
as im walking away.

grandfather is gone but not forgotten

two years have gone by
you are still alive
not physically but i can feel you
walking by our sides invisible
never understanding why you
had to disappear
leaving us all here to wander it all
the pain still overides my heart
expecting to wake up from this dream
realization that you have left physically
waiting for the moment to reunite
not in this lifetime but eventually
our spirits will touch again
may not know at first with the change
of our appearance
brushing you i will know when i come
across the threshold of death
instantly knowing what caused this pain
that i live with
not knowing why how or what
even caused all this
picking up the pieces slowly
but have misplaced some
never getting back the love
security and care
different is what we know
silence on this day we show
tears of sadness overcome
visiting you where you lay
doesnt change anything
just a place.
just a shell
just a few flowers
but you are not there.

you know what i did today but you dont know how

free of your hold
never thought i would see it
walking straight without constantly
looking over my shoulder scared of you
receiving this punishment has kept me shamed
letting all this deception eat my insides
i may only have half of my soul
working hard to gain it back
slowly i will rebound myself
im breaking away
pressing on without you having any say
marching forward with what i have left
this sick twisted mind is temporary
intentions on getting better.

your death will be so gratifying but i will not see the day

i did it finally
im not suffering
no regrets for what ive done
no remorse for the pain ive caused
smiling as i stabbed your heart
laughing as you bled it out
spitting in your face as you cry
digging deeper with the knife
you dont know me and you never did
you just enjoyed being in control
now look whos got your life in
her hands
murder has never felt so clear
lifting me up higher than ive ever been
ill be proud all the way to hell
when they ask me why
ill finally tell
all you did to me
in grusome detail
how you took everything i had
leaving me with all failed
so silent and dead to the world
making me believe i caused it all
accusations of me being wrong
so i killed i man
so i took his soul
he deserved every bit and
his family too
you all will be judged in the end
as for me i have been judged previously
put and trial and convicted
i have committed these crimes
in rage
i have sold my soul long ago
just to have you dead.
hang me accuse me
i wont deny what ive done
i killed i killed i killed
i killed him today.
no apology from me will come
just reprimand me and let me be done.

i survived but no one knows what left of me

all this pain and hurt and rejection
has left me so bruised
the anger resentment and my
heart is so hard
these scars i bare leaves hate for you
these nightmares at night
makes me want to kill you
you know me but you still never cared
crying as you raped me
kicking as you beat me
screaming everytime you hurt me
you killed you killed you killled
you killed me
you dont have suffer like me
you dont have problems like me
go on with your life as you do
acting like you are just normal and free
not even a bit of remorse on me
i move on with this hole in my head
i walked on without my heart
lost and confused with no one there
leaving me with all these scars i bare
you will know me when i kill
i kill i kill i kill
oh i will kill you like you did to me
take you innocence happiness
social interaction
i will take it all
i will chew you up and spit you out
as you did me for so long
making you suffer and
beg for your life
hating you in the name of revenge
i will get on with my life then
i will be able to find myself
i will be able to look at myself
you wont be able to do that again.

two halves make a whole but the whole cant be alone

help me inhale
exhale with you
show the sun
ill show you the moon
we will be so high on life
without a substitute
hanging on to clouds
maybe im dumb
maybe i dont have a clue
one thing i know
is that im very happy
never been so happy
thought i couldnt be happy
but i misunderstood
misunderstood on how great
life can be when your finally
complete.

all of my faith has been restored by having you in my life

accompished nothing to deserve this
yet you came into my life
showing me true happiness
letting me be myself
never thought this could come
without giving up a lot
always putting a price on my life
for these faults of mine
always blaming myself
for everyone elses mistakes
unsuccessful in being a decent person
all this univitin unwanted anger
unrewarding presence of my own
sufforcating every one in my path
ending it all
with one person in my life
takes my faults
takes my blame
takes my mistakes
thinks im invitin wanted
very rewarded to be in my presence
encouraging be to be successful.

change is good without my old self hanging on

breathing in a new mentality on life
opening up all my other options
should i stay should i jump
can i even make another day
should i cut should i burn
can i handle being this way
nothings ever quite settled
as i take a long look at my life
hanging over this cliff
running many thoughts through my mind
how many times i have tried
to be what everyone wants
i cant be what you want
only what i am
accept and adjust or just dont
effects me no way
one or the other
im done trying to impress
the invisible
i can only be me
deal with it or not
my lifes passing right in front
of my eyes
cant slow it down to jump on
it so i can see my mistakes
invading changes with
false ideas dreams and ambitions.
flooding my mind.

make the the person i am

you are the love of my life
whether you want it or not
turning my life around
realization or not
making me fight for myself
ending some of my battles with myself
looking through my invincible exterior
over and over again
striving to be the best
this emmaculate love of yours
has me wrapped
wrapped like never before
your light that overcomes
my darkness
unseen mistuderstood variations
none of this matters as long as im with you
days will come and go
months go by
and our year is coming.

left for dead

from the darkness to the bright
from my birth to death
from all the years i couldnt speak
from all the months i couldnt see
you were never listening
never even mattered to you anyway
just another obstacle in your way
just an excuse for unhappiness
i regret as much as u do
for being put here on this earth
as your spawn as your mistake
as your denial grows and grows
never lived for yourself
you put your life on my shoulders
i was not born to take on your old and new
i was not born to take on the life you never
owned on your own
yet you beat me
rape me
justify yourself some more
stab me in the heart one more time
for i am still breathing
my heart still beats slowly
too cold and black
from time to time
inherited straight from demons
that i called my blood
go ahead and take me down
daring you for the last moment
last few breaths i have
will not be wasted.

dos and donts of me

i dont like complicated
yet im so complex
i dont like change
yet im constantly changing myself
i dont like people
yet i deal with them everyday
i dont like the world we live in
yet i havent ended my life yet
i dont like much
but i love so many things
i dont like to be put aside
yet i will put someone else aside
i dont like relationships
yet i love mine
i dont like my life
yet i keep on living.

it doesnt mean nothing to me yet its eating me alive

im trying oh god am i trying
but this jealousy doesnt subside
this insecurity of mine
kills me inside
thinking of you with someone else
makes me lose it all
innocent or guilty
still thinking her looks are greater than mine
killing me inside
mind wandering on your actions
emotions and feeling towards someone else
she has you more than i do
envy that she sees you everyday
disgusted that she makes you smile more than me
complicating the unconditional love i have for you
undesirable thoughts of what you do without me
its fucking killing me inside
oh i try and i try and i try and i try and i try
and i try so hard to adjust to this
this friendship that i just dont get.

cremated a little to early

somethings in the way
somethings in the way of me
figuring out the unnecessary
somethings in the way
constantly throwing myself into the fire
burning away ambitions
melting away asperations
somethings in the way
of my happiness
throw me to the wolves
and let me figure my way out
let me go overboard
whatever it takes to get me out the way
all myself turns to ash and dust
invisible to you all now
somethings in the way of me.

sitting here and looking back trying to stay in control of myself

its just me now
here all alone
which way do i look
which way do i go
im so lost without you
you make me whole
here i am
indulging in my self loathing pity
that i bring onto myself
sadness that overcomes me
so quickly sometimes
from the lack of my whole filling up
as i sit and evaluate my own life
analyzing the world
making sense of situations
my mind wonders
wonders for the bad mostly
driving me crazy with the miss
here i am all alone once again
to just sit and think
of how i just want to be with you.

miles couldnt keep us away from the one

i can feel you all around me
even when physically your miles away
savory the taste of kisses that you left me
so long ago
reminiscing all your touches on my body
recolation of all your love you leave for me


oh its so life altering
oh its so unfair sometimes
when all i dream of is in my presence
for such a short amount of time
thats why i have to just hold on
hold on to the familiar touch and sound
hold hold on to the perfection we make
to keep me completely sane and willing

i can feel you all around me
kissing and caressing my heart
staying in touch with our feeling
together we make everything reality.
we no longer have to dream
we are one
one reality that makes true happiness.

cloak of darkness has wrapped around me

its all just caving in
heart soul happiness life
fighting it to the extent of my ability
im not succeeding
you just keep coming back
my head feels so foggy
my eyes lost
my body is so limp
murdering myself is the only
thought thats getting in
i look at touch it
rub the blade with devious attempts
will i make this one count
digging it further in
im bleeding crying and just dont
know why i keep turning out this way
theres not much battle in me and
the devil knows
hes breeding on what could be
just take me now
end the suffering
and let the end come faster and sooner.

rising from the dead never felt so alive

hands tied
beaten black and blue
robbed left for dead
who would of known
all along what they
were really looking for
i cant see hear or think
for i hit my head
this bump keeps me
in a dreamlike state of despair
looking back now
this could have been avoided
if i would just have hold it in
but thats not me
the lord knows
i better myself in so many ways.
but im burning and bleeding
my insides falling out to the floor
they may believe ill just leave
but i dont
im stronger tougher a little rougher
and wont go down without a fight
just give me a little time to recoop
and everything will be alright
touch feel see taste
im coming
touch feel see taste
im coming back
you are not ready for this.

shhhh. just come and see

im ok
we're ok
lifes gonna be just fine
through ups and downs
lies and truth
who is by both of our sides
from the clouds up in the sky
to the deep blue ocean which
no one can find
we will find it together
the impossible is our possible
the unexpected is our expected
from the ones that come in
between us purposely
or mistakenly
we survive it all.

break me down to the new

new beginning new life
new love no fear
no strings attached
the new coming
is alterchanging
vigorously touching my heart
new chances new reasons
to be alive
i can feel it all around me
i savor the moment it
hit me
rejuvinating my actions
revitalizing my time hear
oh how i need the patience
to adjust to these changes
tearfully pushing in my beliefs
angrily testing my outlooks
i have come to this new
not letting go in this lifetime
but may there not be another one
to set back my time.